ropes class and all that other stuff

admittedly it has been a while. okay a looong while but hey what can i say i had stuff going on.

stuff with a capitol STUFF. it was the non exciting d/s stuff that had to do with me finding a graduate schools that might take me despite the fact that i have a 2.8 and not a 3.0 GPA. than there is my loving wonderful boyfriend and my daughter.

well honestly things are starting to come together again they aren't where they use to be but hey i guess that's growth. this is my first serious relationship and i'm learning to live with someone to share my space with someone else who isn't seven years old.

i have no clue who recommended and got so gooey eyed over it but relationships are not easy they are hard and require so much work and compromise and uhhhgg STUFF.

hopefully i will post more often than i am now, or and i guess your wondering what ropes would i be referring to in my tag line. i'm trying something new with posture and trying to sit more like a lady and its hard as heck keeping my legs together the way they are supposed to be without the aid of some rope so hopefully soon it will become a habit.

well a girl could dream right?

its been awhile

Its been awhile since I have posted and I'm sorry about that, I kind of suck, but I've been in a really crappy mood.

Well its not so much that I've been in a crappy mood its just that things arent the same anymore in my house and I hate it. There is always so much tension, upset and hurt feelings.

It feels like my whole life is a seesaw, up one second and down the next. Hopefully soon things will get better until then.

changing the way i think

i always assumed that submission was more of a physical thing. spankings, kneeling and well the amazing subbie sex that takes place. i am currently being challenged to understand that submission is emotional and mental.

emotionally i have to trust and surrender myself fully and mentally,(this is the real challenge) mentally i have to learn how to change the way that i think. thus far it hasn't really been an easy process honestly has been a little painful.

i do honestly love how submission continues to change and shape me, leading me on a journey that is and continues to be totally unexpected. however, i do still have the tendency to want to yell at the customer service guy who isn't really listening to my request and having to repeat it a third time, uhhhggg just gets on my nerves.

and there is the constant struggle with my mother and my attempt to remind her that i am no longer her "little" girl that i'm all grown up, (smiles) the irony to this is that on a whole different level i'm trying to find and tap into my inner "little" girl.

growth is a painful process hopefully as it continues on it will become less painful and little bit easier.

sucking dick

this past weekend and week, we've had the pleasure of getting back into "practice" with somethings.

my favorite thing of all that we had the chance to practice is when i kneel in front of him and suck is dick while he is watching television. yesterday we had this discussion about how it is the reverse from of nursing.

at first when i kneel down i spend my time sucking his dick in order to make him cum and afterwards when he cums and he feeds me his seed, i continue to suck and it soothes me and sometimes i nod off to sleep.

this is one of my favorite things to do because in those moments i feel so cherised and trurly submissive.

if only i could discover things that bring me this same feeling without having to have is dick in my mouth.

how do you know you've fully surrendered

i looked up the definitions for three words submit, surrender, and meek for me these three words are equally important to me across the board for it seems that without neither would really work.

submit; to give over or yield to the power or authority of another, to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision

meek; humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others, tame

surrender; to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, to yield or resign in favor of another.

as i considered these three words and my life in addition to my current reading Fear & Trembling i realized that i have never honestly surrender and submitted to anything outside of the sexual arena. what i am learning is that once you surrender and you submit yourself to another you have faith, Abraham and Issac type faith the person that you have surrendered to will pull through. and as a result of that surrendering and submitting the person becomes meek.

i asked myself this weekend if i could surrender and submit all areas of my life? submit emotionally, physically, intellectually, and sexually. i have never had a problem submitting sexually but could i do it in completely?

i have read so many post where women say surrender and submission is a part of the nature, it is who they were meant to be, that once they surrender and submit fully they can't see themselves going to back to living any other way.

how do i know when i've fully surrendered and submitted? i know when i have sexually and the feelings that i experience, i do have to agree i wouldn't want to go back to never experiencing that. but what about everything else? physically, mentally, emotionally? i wonder exactly how does that work, how can you honestly experience in today's world fully?

hopefully with guidance i will move in the direction of figuring out exactly how to do this?

where do we go from here ...

so things have been super crazy in my world. i got sick, painfully sick and then i just had an altogether difficult time adjusting to everything. i'm not working, i am now at home taking care of the house until school started this week. Thank God for higher education!!!

it has been difficult adjusting to the limitations on spending, living with someone and learning their quirks and other things. hoh and submission part of our relationship stopped, mostly do to my hoh feeling like i just wasnt listening to anything that he said.

honestly that is the truth, i was angry, upset, and physically sick and in pain. i honestly didnt handle things well, i with drew and i with held. things have gotten better, we are a somewhat clearer place but things are a lot different. what really hurts the most is that he feels that he has to hold back now, the things that really use to get him off, the things that he loved to do he feels that he can no longer do. i dont want any to feel like they have to settle, especially not him.

to be honest i am very unclear about what the next step is but there is one thing that i am 100% sure of, i refuse to put this all on my shoulders, i cant push any more or try to get someone to see something my way, if he is going to be that hoh that he wants to be i realize that he is going to have to come to that all by his self, the only thing that i can do until then is support him in all things.

vintage woman

i am a vintage freak. i love to watch old movies and listen to oldies but amazingly goodies like Billie Holiday or Etta James. i miss the details that women put into the way that they dressed for home or for time outside of the home. i miss the details that we as women were given in our panties, bras, nightgowns, and robes.

although i was never born in the era or even close to that era but i long for those times when you could see the femininity of a woman her every day clothes. women of yesteryear wore gloves and stockings, dresses and hats.

i saw something, well actually two things that i feel that i just most have. both things remind me of that time. the first is a cupless bra or a shelf bra, it was during my search for those things that remind me of that time that i happened to stumble upon this shelf bra. the other thing is the panties with no back to them.

i hope that these images help to inspire your own vintage woman.

a slap to the face

in the past few months sex between him and i has changed dramatically in the sense that there seems to be a big power kick with him. it happened one night when we were in the middle of having sex and his hand was wrapped around my neck and he asked me a question that i should have know the answer to and he slapped me in the face after the second slap to the face he and i both came so hard it was amazing.

the feeling was amazing but i know that it scared him more than it did me because the both slaps were not soft or playful they were serious slaps that carried some serious weight. i know it worried him because that was the first time he'd ever done something like and he was worried about it leading to other things and me seeing him as abusive. i could never ever see him that way.

my earlier search for a spanking might have found a reverse find of relief the exchange of power the true submission of his dick sliding into me as he wraps his hands around my throat and strokes my vagina with his dick and then just when he is about to cum he slaps my face and asks me whose am i and i get reminded of my place. i never knew a slap to the face could do so much.

searching for a spanking

life living with a child and my younger brother has become very challenging to practice anything. and even when we do have the time like we did this weekend we spend it enjoying each other which is why i can honestly say that i am longing, in heat for, in desperate need of a some really good maintenance spankings.

in fairness to the amazing man that i am with he honestly does so much parenting me and our daughter in addition to going to work while i stay at home being happy Susie homemaker. it seems unfair of me to burden him with another thing "to do"

the other night when we were in bed we talked about how things would change once we got our own house (in a place with walls that are thicker) we would do maintenance more and with our own personal bathroom a couple of other things.

until then a girl can only continue to dream for that day to come. that is just sad because i was telling the amazing man in my life how we should be so grateful for the blessings that we have now enjoy where we are in life right now instead of focusing on where we want to be in the future. because once we get there we will look back at this time and say wow what an amazing time we had then.

the housewife

this is the first time for me ever since i've had my daughter that i havent worked some. its weird because now i'm supposed to be a stay at home wife and mother type. with the always clean home and the amazing meals. i wish, first i'm learning to cook as i go so there are six to seven meals that i know that i can cook.

secondly when it comes to the house i suck, i'm getting better but i have always been the type of person who feels like, a little organized chaos never really hurt anyone. plus we are currently living in a house that doesnt have a dishwasher and having to do the dishes daily is killing me, why do them today when they will still be there when i wake up in the morning.

but whats really killing me is, is the fact that i dont, cant see this as a job that should a 110% of me, the hours suck, the pay is horrible and where the hell is the reward, where is my finished product that i can look at a say that hey i accomplished that, because once the day ends i have to start right back over again cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, it is like a hamster on the wheel or an episode of pinky and the brain, where there main goal every week is to try and take over the world.

when i first started this i was excited, happy to be the wife at home taking care of her husband and children, and just making a beautiful home. but then i quickly realized that i dont know what the hell that i am doing my mother didnt teach me how to cook and plan meals non of the women in my family did. they thought it best to keep me as far away from the kitchen as possible, and i didnt learn how to take care of a house or plan menus or schedule things, in my family my parents worked we had chores and things got done when they got done.

i am trying to learn how to submit to the inner housewife in me, i know that she is in there somewhere, i just dont know how i can find her.

moving forward

as things settle with cldd there have been some changes with how things are done in the house. there is now an allowance, there are supposed to be daily maintenance spankings, there are the list of things that my hoh expects to be done often, my attending mass almost daily, and required reading.

despite all of the things that were add i still feel like there are times that i feel like, i just feel frustrated. i know that he cares and that he is very serious about cldd, but sometimes i feel like there are moments when i am pulling him along side me.

making time to attend church together has been somewhat challenging, he loves his family's church but the preacher has changed and he really doesn't care for him so he's been reluctant on attending church. and sometimes maintenance doesn't happen daily it may happen every two days. i know that he is struggling with being comfortable with spankings happening daily, i know that we have come a long way from where we were in the beginning.

i just pray that we continue to progress and grow in cldd.

changes in masturbation

my new found faith, has sparked in me a lot of thought, i know i spoke before about my struggles with faith and masturbation. as things settle down and we each become comfortable in our roles i am finding that it wasnt masturbation that was my issue. learning how to love yourself by yourself discovering what pleases you sexually is a blessing.

it was more so my obsession with sex/pornography, not the masturbation that was an issue. my hoh loves that my sex drive is high, he loves that i read and i bring to him things that i am interested in, and he would never want me to change that, but now that i'm a housewife, a lot of my time has been spent watching, looking at pornography, and i have neglected my responsibilities that my hoh has asked of me.

i will always believe in the beauty of masturbation, and how it helps people to discover self love. i will always believe that G-d will not punish us for masturbating. but for myself until i can learn how to control things i will continue to pray for self restraint. so far it has gone a long way i have been able to focus on my tasks around the house. my hoh is not happy that i haven't masturbated in almost two weeks, i will continue to pray that he sees that i'm not trying to change me or my openness/love of sex i'm just trying to better myself for us.

faith

i started last week listening to a podcast last week titled faith and the family, it was good timing as B and i started diving into christian domestic discipline. this insightful podcast lead me to two wonderful women. the other wonderful woman i will talk about later this week. 

one is Beth Moore, whose online weekly devotional forced me to look my faith in God. the weekly devotional speaks of how people must be tired from searching for something to make you feel fulfilled, it really spoke to me because i am tired of searching for that "something."

one of the things that B is requiring to happen before we get married is for me to be baptized. despite the fact that i attend a catholic school for most of my life, my mother who is catholic felt that we should have the choice to decide our own religion. it is something that i wish she had never done, because i have no real spiritual or religious foundation. i've studied Catholicism, Judaism, Wicca, basic Christianity including baptist faith. despite all of that i still feel lost and unsure of as far as which denomination i should choose but i am sure of one thing, and that is my faith in God.

i spent thrusday morning on my knees before the alter praying to God to give me a sign, show me the path that he has designed for me. i have faith that God will show me the way. 

my not so great idea

since my master and i are very new at the whole M/s dominant submissive thing, we were for a little while struggling with just finding our footing while living together and learning how to interact with a 7yr in the house. 

i was reading a blog where they were offering one on one training in conjunction with your hoh/master. so i presented the information to my hoh with big ideas and huge dreams. it didnt work out that way, instead it made me feel lost and confused and well so many other things. it was so difficult finding out what was wrong and why. 

so i prayed and talked, i talked with the person training and i talked with my hoh. after talking my hoh and i decided to take a step back and just focus on us, we decided to end the training with the other person. 

i'm not sure if i've ever said this before but if i have i think this experience just reinforced it and it i havent it introduced me to the idea that the relationship that i have with my hoh is ours. it doesnt have to be done your way, or his way, we can do it our way. so that is why the over look and tone of the site has changed it is why i have changed, i have learned to be okay with us there are standards that we have to live up except our own. 

i wish everyone luck in finding their own standard of living. 

growth

growth takes place in some unexpected ways.

whenever i was going through something bad or i was having a really bad moment my best friend would always tell me, that it was just growth. she said that i could either stand up live through it and learn or i could go hide in the corner, but if i decided to go hide in the corner it would still hurt. it would always hurt she said until i stood up and grew with growth.

when i first started writing the blog it was all about documenting my growth, my "process" unto my great unknown. i was eager and hungry for information so much so that i crossed a line that i thought i could handle but once crossed it hit me made me disgusted, angry, annoyed, confused, and for the first time in my life i wasnt even the slightest bit horny. (the non horniness was huge for me) 

it has taken a lot to get to this point of even wanting to write and now that i'm writing i'm realizing that i've changed, i've "grown". i still feel that submission is vital for any successful relationship that i have but the way that it is done and how things are handled my outlook on that has changed deeply. 

as a result somethings will change and some other things will stay the same. i am doing the best that i can do with what i have. 

it has taken a lot

it has taken a lot for me to even feel like posting even a little bit.

a lot of things have taken place. i think in one month i lost and then found some small pieces of myself. i'm trying to put me back together but just in a different way.

i'm not sure how that will reflect in my submissive relationship. what i do know is my hoh is loving, supportive, and understanding. 

so as i figure things out i hope that i will feel up to writing it out as i go forward.

it been so hard

it has been so hard to post i'm moving and that has just been a lot going on all at once. i also just plain ole havent felt like it so hopefully soon the writing bug will hit me again when this mess is all over and i will be back to writing. 

living up to

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others, or attempting to live up to a mythical ideal?

i'm 27yrs old. in a couple of weeks i will be 28yrs old and i am always comparing myself to others, i am always looking at other women and saying, she is so much more "together" than i am, prettier than i am, more confident than i am. 

recently i was challenged to stop being so hard on myself and love me for who i am. lmao, if that just isn't the hardest thing ever to do for me. i still look in the mirror and see things that i would love to change about myself. 

even outside of the physical appearance i do also try to live up to the "ideal" of what i should be, a submissive woman who can cook, clean, and have everything together for her master. lmao, i hardly have everything together for myself. 

but i am working on loving me for who i am, i look in the mirror now and i say to myself that i love me for who i am right now. what more can i ask for?

sex and religion

as of lately i have found it hard to westle with the sex and religion thing. 

i have spent more years in catholic school then i care to share, and then i spent sundays in a baptist church. the other sunday the pastor asked a question at service, "are you living a life that if someone where following you 24/7 a week that there would be nothing there to question?"

i thought about that for a long time, i'm still thinking about it to be honest. i would be proud of the fact that my relationship was based on a submissive / dominate foundation. but if others were to examine my life would i, could i stand strong and be proud of everything that takes place in my home in my life. 

there are many things that i was taught was wrong growing up, i.e. birth control, masturbation, sex without the intent of procreation. these are just some of the things that i practice in my life, does that make my life any less? Am i lacking in morals because of these things? i pray that these things dont make it so.

living honestly

with all of the changes that i am making in my life as a result of the retraining, i have to admit its been stressful and scary. 

amongst everything i realized that i'm changing, my thoughts, my hopes/dreams. it is scary because i feel awkward outside of my home. i'm happy about the way that i live my life but i am handicapped because i am unable to live honestly. 

i have to be honest that there were times doing this process that i felt like this was wrong, because this isn't what normal people do. this morning as i was in my meditative corner i reflected back to last night and this morning and how loving my hoh is to me. how he cares for me and protects me. 

it wasn't until that moment that i decided to live honestly, my way. i can not turn away from this journey that i have begun, i cant imagine living my life any other way. 

but it has been difficult trying to figure out who this new me.

happy valentines day

lessons

What one lesson has helped you the most in life?

the one lesson that is currently helping me the most in my life is speech training. o, the joys of actually having to stop and think before you speak. 

the remarks that i've received about my changed person, my demeanor, and how nicer it is to be around have all been an additional pat on the back making me feel wonderful. however, i will not lie there are those times when i just want to let it fly with full force. 

having to stop and think before i open my big mouth has been a tremendous gift. it has allowed me to slow down and really put thought into what i say before i let words spill out of my mouth. 

old values

the more i progress on my journey the angrier i become. why? well first let me tell you a little about me. 

i'm an old spirit at heart, when i was in 8th grade Billie Holiday became my favorite artist of all time. i love to read and not the current teenager crap, i loved romance and stories about later periods, where men were men and women were expected to be women. 

what happened? and this is why i'm angry. what happened to teaching us about how to be ladies, the proper way to set a table, how to serve tea, how to sit and speak and act like a lady. why, are we not expected as women to raise our daughters to be ladies. we are expected to teach them to be strong, independent, and able to contend with the boys on every level. 

why? why do i have to each that in addition to how to sew, cook, and be charming. why wasnt i taught this? 

what happened to good old values? i'm angry and frustrated, but then maybe i'm expecting too much, maybe what i'm feeling no one else is. 

if that is true its okay, i am devoting myself to learning all the things that use to be taught to women and i will pass it on to my daughter, and hopefully she will pass it down to hers. hoping that one day women will experience a rebirth.

relearning

growing up i can honestly say that i knew nothing of submission. i was taught to be strong, very independent, self-sufficient and mostly to not to take crap off of anyone.

if anyone ever had the pleasure to meet my mother, either of my grandmothers, or my aunts and cousins, you would understand why i say this. 

it the mist of growing and learning i find it hard to "relearn" things. i had this conversation with my hoh the other day and it basically came down to the point of us "relearning" what we have been taught and what has been condition in us since birth. 

i am "relearning" to ask permission for things (as an adult-this still is mind blowing) i'm "relearning" how to sit, how to speak, dress, and think. i am "relearning" that just because i practice all of these things in my life doesnt diminish the fact that i'm still strong, but just in a different way. 

so as i stumble and "relearn" some of the basics i just ask that those around me please have patience. 

the gift of love

Do you and your owner celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you plan on doing this year? Do you bring elements of your dynamic into your celebration in the form of ritual, symbolism or play?

the loving man that i serve. i am good at many things, i am good at remembering to make sure that everyone has everything that they need in the morning. i am good at cooking, cleaning, and making sure that everything in the house is taken care of. i am good at writing. but i have to admit that i suck at remembering things, i have no idea the exact day that we started dating, if you asked how long i couldnt begin to tell you. 

i do remember last valentine's day to me it is like our anniversary ( i know super cheesy ) but i remember us going away for the weekend, the hotel, the dinner, and the endless shopping and lunch that followed the next day. this year we're planning on staying in town but we are planning on going out dinner. like last year there will be some dynamic of our lifestyle celebrated on valentines. 

last year after dinner, when we went back to the hotel the spanking that followed master unwrapping his valentines day gift (me of course) was something that will never be forgotten. as this year's valentines day approaches i look forward to celebrating another year of love in this dynamic.

selfless service

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” -Antigonus of Sokho

it is difficult to learn to readjust your mind set. learning to focus not on pleasing yourself but fulfilling the desires of the person you serve. with every selfless action i do i am given a blessings, from his reaction or the whispered words of love that he says to me.  i am learning to serve without thought of reward, this is a gift.

childish behavior

during a recent conversation i had with my master and an assignment i realized how i manipulate things in order to get the outcome that i want. 

childish things done in order to insure that this is what he wants, childish things done out of fear of him saying, "uhmm, this isnt what i want"

i brought this to him, not the other way around and there are times that i wonder, i question even though despite the one or two missed punishments everything about our lifestyle would remind anyone of a 1950s household. 

my childish behavior i realize that i need to not only apologize for it but it has to stop. i guess admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

words

despite the fact that i'm currently going school to study writing. in addition to the fact that write, it seems that it somehow slipped my mind how important words are. 

i made a promise that my words my speech would be feminine. i promised that i would ease from speech all of the horrible habits that i have acquired over time. 

it wasnt until i failed and said words that i shouldnt have said that the impact of what i say or dont say really effects what happens or what doesnt happen. i forgot how much words that are not chosen carefully can hurt, and cause disappointment. 

i'm still learning everyday how to take the deep breath and then speak instead of speaking when your angry. and if your really how i'm still learning how to count to ten before i let words slip past my lips. 

my spoken words use to be my lovers things that i could easily reach for and they would comfort me as i used them to describe how i was feeling, how i was struggling, they would feel soo good caressing my tongue as the slid over moist lips anticipating their effect on others, most importantly always making sure that my point was made.

lol, i see words differently now, it seems that we (the words and i) are at war until the peaceful words avail themselves to me, and until the angry words are not so readily available.  until then i will take my time and pause to make sure that my speech is just as feminine as my actions. 

speech

my focus has been feminine speech. no cursing, no yelling, remember to always say please, thank you and to ask permission from my hoh. 

uhgg who knew that this would be so hard. its hard because i love word play, i've always loved it more with a few choice words to really express what i was truly feeling at the moment. it has been interesting to find a new way to express myself when i'm feeling anything but pleased.

and if that wasnt hard enough i also have to tackle not yelling when i have a seven year old who really likes to try me. for example instead of yelling one good time for her to put her socks on her feet for the second time i had to calmly ask her six additional times before the task was actually completed. (aww, children)

but even with the loss of those things something better has happened i'm beginning to become different, nicer, more approachable, more like the person i desire to be. 

this hasnt been easy i did slip up that brought about consequences that i never ever want to experience again. however i know that honestly i will suffer those consequences again because just like you i am human i mess up and fall no matter how hard i try to walk tall. it is all apart of learning. 

change?

currently i'm working on me, who i use to be and who i desire to become.

its hard to let go the past, of the person you use to be, it seems to be even harder to stop dragging that person around with you as a shield to get  you out of situations that only the old you knew how to deal with. 

more so it seems even harder to forgive yourself for old mistakes, and horrendous habits, you begin to wonder that if you cant forgive yourself, how could anyone else ever really try to forgive you. 

i had my daughter when i was young, or what i feel is to young (20). i love her to death but i wish that my blessing wouldve come to me a little later in life, my patience hadnt developed and i was stilled focused on many other things. how do i restart a mother daughter relationship with a 7yr, how do / can i become a different mother? no i havent forgiven myself yet, it was hard struggling to do it all by myself but now i have to change our relationship its time, and master is demanding it as well. 

is real change really possible? 

new adventures

so this weekend i started on a new journey, a new training journey for me and master with the help of a mentor. 

i hope that i learn and that i am able to offer my master better service. 

i will of course try to share my journey in chronological order. 

this i love

“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.” Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract

why do you write

Why do you write a journal? Do you find it is a positive thing for you, and if so, in what ways? Is it a public journal? Do you ever find yourself censoring your writings for whoever else might read them?

i started writing this blog because i had so many thoughts going on inside of my head. i needed a way to write it down get it out in order to sort it out. i am very new to the lifestyle and i read so many good things and so many good quotes that i wanted someplace that i could post it and reflect on it or respond to it. 

i find this very positive in that i get to write things out and be very honest with myself, even though this is a public post to some extent that people can stumble onto and read  who cares. i love that i can be honest, quirky, and silly about the things that are happening in my life. 

but to be very honest i really started this journal/blog thing because i don't see as many people like me writing or blogging. i'm an african american 27 year old female who just happens to be in a m/s relationship, and my master is an african american male. there are so many issues surrounding that, more than i could ever tackle, nor would i ever want to. so no i dont censor myself or what i write in this journal/blog. 

i in no way want to be a role model for anyone else who happens to be like me, if you happen to get anything from who i am and what i write that's great. besides having the opportunity to air things out i get show people that there are african americans out there who happen to be in the lifestyle and who are trying to make their way just like everyone else.

explain?

If you were to have to explain why M/s relationships are valid, healthy and functioning… how would you describe it and explain your logic to others if you “had” too.

if i had to explain why my relationship is valid, healthy and functioning, i would say it is because i never have to guess, i never have to wonder what he's thinking or what it is that he wants or needs from me.

if he is upset, i know it because i'm getting punished with a spanking, sent to bed, or sent to go sit in the corner to rethink things. i never ever have to wonder about his moods and it actually has allowed us to free up a lot more to time to be silly and run around. and as a result i never ever have to wonder if i am loved. because even with every punishment i know that what he is doing he is doing for me. 

i would tell them that we are more open and intimate because of our relationship there isn't anything that i wouldn't do for him. when he comes home to a clean house with food on the table, or when doesn't have to think about clean clothes he shows his appreciation. which in turn makes me want to wait on him hand and foot some more. 

who knew that when i put him first as my master that everything in our relationship would come together. he speaks of it as more of a cycle, he says that baby when you take care me it makes me love you more and want to take care of you more.

if i had to explain it i would say that there is no struggle in his home, there is no arguing, i may pout but there is no angry yelling or fighting in his home. there is only love and laughter.  

i would also say that he respects me and my dreams he could take advantage of me and the fact that i've given myself to him as his slave but he doesn't, instead he helps me to achieve the goals that i have set for myself and goals that we set together. 

i have never seen a vanilla relationship work like this or be like this. 

last night

last night i could've prevented everything that happened before it did because he has spoken to me about it more than once. 

to start with my phone was dead, which meant that when he tried to call me he couldn't reach me, not good. especially since in was inside the house and i could've charged my phone but i didn't. then to top if off i fell asleep on the couch. so when he came home carrying all two arms full of groceries and after knocking on the apartment door numerous times. 

so needless to say when he actually walked in the door with me laying on the couch he was not happy. i spent the rest of the night graveling which as much as i tried didn't make things any better. i got sent to bed with the seven year old for the night. 

i felt horrible for not doing the small and simple things that he asks of me. this isn't the first time that my phone has died, and this isn't the first time that he has requested that i be more mindful of my dying phone and charge when it looks like my phone will die. i didn't and now mattered how i tried last night there seemed to be no words or anything that i could do to make things right.  

so last night i went to bed with the seven year old, i slipped out of bed later on to go apologize and i spent the rest of the night on the floor sitting at his feet until he sent me back to bed. 

last night was not my best night, but i did learn and i will do better than what i have been doing. 

who are you

okay i was freaking out. 

i was freaking out because he asked me instead of told me. i wondered to myself what was going on i felt like we should no longer be in this place of sending me a message to ask me anything. well okay not anything it was the what this question was about that really just sent me through the roof over analyzing, wondering, guessing, if we would ever progress pass this point. 

i asked me about going to see his ex-girlfriend. i mean he's already fucked her multiple times while we were together i mean what was the point of him asking me that. it felt somewhat like we were moving backwards instead of moving forward. it also started me to thinking about things. 

for either one of not to have done this before, for us to be very new to this lifestyle i thought that we were progressing slowly in the direction that we both wanted. but with that question i felt like it wasn't, that we weren't and i was worried.

so later on that night i talked to him (smile) and as always he made me feel like i overreacting, and over thinking. he asked he said because he was looking for a way out of going to see her, but even with that i thought well i thought that he could've handled it differently and the fact that he did meant that this wasn't working for him, and we couldn't be us like this anymore. 

well that's what i thought yesterday and then today happened....

reflection

How did you meet the person you serve?

my first day back to school my sophomore year i remember seeing him across the lawn getting ready to get on the bus home. i ran up to him almost literally attacking the poor man, i hadn't realized until that moment how much i had missed him, and it wasn't until he was hugging me that i realized how much i liked him. 

5 years would go by before he would ever know that i had feelings for him. i will remember how pissed i was that he would ask out all the girls that i knew, and others that i didn't but he never approached me. i never said anything because i was and still am a traditionalist, i believe firmly that the man should approach a girl if he is interested never the other way around. well that was until i asked him to the senior prom, that was my one and only time asking a man for anything and it was a lesson learned because he said no.

it wasn't until college that we both exchanged our feelings for each other, but by then we were really good friends and i didn't want to fuck up a good thing. and then, well then i got pregnant by someone i later found out i didn't know all that well and i would later be disgusted by the mere thought of him but i love my child. he became her godfather. 

off and on for a while we went sadly destroying relationships and hurting others in the process, i knew i wanted him but i never pushed i wanted him to want to be with me and try to force him into something. its funny how things work out i never knew the side of him that i know now, i didn't think it was possible with him. 

i did know, this one thing and i tell him this all the time, i knew that once we were together that it would be forever. it use to scare the shit out of me, i wouldn't be able to breathe, my heart would beat really fast. even though i had these feelings i never thought he noticed me, i thought that he was an amazing guy and completely out of league. 

to be very honest i will admit (though i never told him this) that for two years i ran from him not out of fear of fucking up our friendship but i ran because i knew that he was it for me. i feel like i wasted so much time, we wasted so much time because oddly enough when i was ready i felt like i didn't deserve him, sometimes i still feel like he deserves better than who i am and what i'm offering him. i feel blessed to have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life serving him and correcting an old mistake. 

uhhgg, no our time apart wasn't a mistake our time apart helped to shape us into the people we are today and i wouldn't change that for anything, damn he's an amazing man. 

the ex factor

i cant help but to think about my past, (not that i mind) but his past is a constant in our lives. as master he always asks am i okay with it or is it freaking me out. i am happy that he has the opportunity to have a relationship with his ex's. for a while the relationship was not just an emotional one but a physical one as well. at first and for a while honestly i freaked out feeling like i wasn't enough or that he could never love me the way he loved her. i felt like i was in competition with her for something he said was already mine.

 

and then i realized how i sounded, i was speaking of him as if he were my own personal toy, instead of a person who had thoughts, feelings, and his own personal desires. i know that is exactly when i started researching poly relationships and how other people make them work, but more importantly how to deal with jealousy. after reading i started asking myself questions could i visualize them having sex in my minds eye, and how did that make me feel? could i visualize him holding her, kissing her, and how did that make me feel? or even them outside of the bedroom talking, laughing, and hanging out together. none of that together or each on its own really hurt, in all honesty i was very turned on by it. what hurt or i should say what i was most fearful of was him leaving me. i was scared that as a result of all of these things he would leave me.

 

After i sat down and discussed my fears with my master, he put them to rest, it felt amazing to be that honest with someone about what you feared and why and to have them listen and set those fears to rest. i cant but to think about my past because i remember the person that i use to be with people i couldn't be very honest and open with. i realize that even then when i didn't know the correct terms for what i was doing i was being submissive in my relationships but they always had limits where they (the men) were not allowed to go. there were parts of myself i always kept closed off to them. i am thankful for all of my past relationships because in some way they helped to prepare me for the one that i am in now.

 

there are times when i feel sad that there were no finalized endings but i know that the past has no place in my current life. he is my master and i am loved.

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