its been awhile

Its been awhile since I have posted and I'm sorry about that, I kind of suck, but I've been in a really crappy mood.

Well its not so much that I've been in a crappy mood its just that things arent the same anymore in my house and I hate it. There is always so much tension, upset and hurt feelings.

It feels like my whole life is a seesaw, up one second and down the next. Hopefully soon things will get better until then.

changing the way i think

i always assumed that submission was more of a physical thing. spankings, kneeling and well the amazing subbie sex that takes place. i am currently being challenged to understand that submission is emotional and mental.

emotionally i have to trust and surrender myself fully and mentally,(this is the real challenge) mentally i have to learn how to change the way that i think. thus far it hasn't really been an easy process honestly has been a little painful.

i do honestly love how submission continues to change and shape me, leading me on a journey that is and continues to be totally unexpected. however, i do still have the tendency to want to yell at the customer service guy who isn't really listening to my request and having to repeat it a third time, uhhhggg just gets on my nerves.

and there is the constant struggle with my mother and my attempt to remind her that i am no longer her "little" girl that i'm all grown up, (smiles) the irony to this is that on a whole different level i'm trying to find and tap into my inner "little" girl.

growth is a painful process hopefully as it continues on it will become less painful and little bit easier.

sucking dick

this past weekend and week, we've had the pleasure of getting back into "practice" with somethings.

my favorite thing of all that we had the chance to practice is when i kneel in front of him and suck is dick while he is watching television. yesterday we had this discussion about how it is the reverse from of nursing.

at first when i kneel down i spend my time sucking his dick in order to make him cum and afterwards when he cums and he feeds me his seed, i continue to suck and it soothes me and sometimes i nod off to sleep.

this is one of my favorite things to do because in those moments i feel so cherised and trurly submissive.

if only i could discover things that bring me this same feeling without having to have is dick in my mouth.