faith

i started last week listening to a podcast last week titled faith and the family, it was good timing as B and i started diving into christian domestic discipline. this insightful podcast lead me to two wonderful women. the other wonderful woman i will talk about later this week. 

one is Beth Moore, whose online weekly devotional forced me to look my faith in God. the weekly devotional speaks of how people must be tired from searching for something to make you feel fulfilled, it really spoke to me because i am tired of searching for that "something."

one of the things that B is requiring to happen before we get married is for me to be baptized. despite the fact that i attend a catholic school for most of my life, my mother who is catholic felt that we should have the choice to decide our own religion. it is something that i wish she had never done, because i have no real spiritual or religious foundation. i've studied Catholicism, Judaism, Wicca, basic Christianity including baptist faith. despite all of that i still feel lost and unsure of as far as which denomination i should choose but i am sure of one thing, and that is my faith in God.

i spent thrusday morning on my knees before the alter praying to God to give me a sign, show me the path that he has designed for me. i have faith that God will show me the way. 

my not so great idea

since my master and i are very new at the whole M/s dominant submissive thing, we were for a little while struggling with just finding our footing while living together and learning how to interact with a 7yr in the house. 

i was reading a blog where they were offering one on one training in conjunction with your hoh/master. so i presented the information to my hoh with big ideas and huge dreams. it didnt work out that way, instead it made me feel lost and confused and well so many other things. it was so difficult finding out what was wrong and why. 

so i prayed and talked, i talked with the person training and i talked with my hoh. after talking my hoh and i decided to take a step back and just focus on us, we decided to end the training with the other person. 

i'm not sure if i've ever said this before but if i have i think this experience just reinforced it and it i havent it introduced me to the idea that the relationship that i have with my hoh is ours. it doesnt have to be done your way, or his way, we can do it our way. so that is why the over look and tone of the site has changed it is why i have changed, i have learned to be okay with us there are standards that we have to live up except our own. 

i wish everyone luck in finding their own standard of living. 

growth

growth takes place in some unexpected ways.

whenever i was going through something bad or i was having a really bad moment my best friend would always tell me, that it was just growth. she said that i could either stand up live through it and learn or i could go hide in the corner, but if i decided to go hide in the corner it would still hurt. it would always hurt she said until i stood up and grew with growth.

when i first started writing the blog it was all about documenting my growth, my "process" unto my great unknown. i was eager and hungry for information so much so that i crossed a line that i thought i could handle but once crossed it hit me made me disgusted, angry, annoyed, confused, and for the first time in my life i wasnt even the slightest bit horny. (the non horniness was huge for me) 

it has taken a lot to get to this point of even wanting to write and now that i'm writing i'm realizing that i've changed, i've "grown". i still feel that submission is vital for any successful relationship that i have but the way that it is done and how things are handled my outlook on that has changed deeply. 

as a result somethings will change and some other things will stay the same. i am doing the best that i can do with what i have.