i cant help but to think about my past, (not that i mind) but his past is a constant in our lives. as master he always asks am i okay with it or is it freaking me out. i am happy that he has the opportunity to have a relationship with his ex's. for a while the relationship was not just an emotional one but a physical one as well. at first and for a while honestly i freaked out feeling like i wasn't enough or that he could never love me the way he loved her. i felt like i was in competition with her for something he said was already mine.
and then i realized how i sounded, i was speaking of him as if he were my own personal toy, instead of a person who had thoughts, feelings, and his own personal desires. i know that is exactly when i started researching poly relationships and how other people make them work, but more importantly how to deal with jealousy. after reading i started asking myself questions could i visualize them having sex in my minds eye, and how did that make me feel? could i visualize him holding her, kissing her, and how did that make me feel? or even them outside of the bedroom talking, laughing, and hanging out together. none of that together or each on its own really hurt, in all honesty i was very turned on by it. what hurt or i should say what i was most fearful of was him leaving me. i was scared that as a result of all of these things he would leave me.
After i sat down and discussed my fears with my master, he put them to rest, it felt amazing to be that honest with someone about what you feared and why and to have them listen and set those fears to rest. i cant but to think about my past because i remember the person that i use to be with people i couldn't be very honest and open with. i realize that even then when i didn't know the correct terms for what i was doing i was being submissive in my relationships but they always had limits where they (the men) were not allowed to go. there were parts of myself i always kept closed off to them. i am thankful for all of my past relationships because in some way they helped to prepare me for the one that i am in now.
there are times when i feel sad that there were no finalized endings but i know that the past has no place in my current life. he is my master and i am loved.
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1 comment:
All I can say is: what an amazing relationship you have!
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