words

despite the fact that i'm currently going school to study writing. in addition to the fact that write, it seems that it somehow slipped my mind how important words are. 

i made a promise that my words my speech would be feminine. i promised that i would ease from speech all of the horrible habits that i have acquired over time. 

it wasnt until i failed and said words that i shouldnt have said that the impact of what i say or dont say really effects what happens or what doesnt happen. i forgot how much words that are not chosen carefully can hurt, and cause disappointment. 

i'm still learning everyday how to take the deep breath and then speak instead of speaking when your angry. and if your really how i'm still learning how to count to ten before i let words slip past my lips. 

my spoken words use to be my lovers things that i could easily reach for and they would comfort me as i used them to describe how i was feeling, how i was struggling, they would feel soo good caressing my tongue as the slid over moist lips anticipating their effect on others, most importantly always making sure that my point was made.

lol, i see words differently now, it seems that we (the words and i) are at war until the peaceful words avail themselves to me, and until the angry words are not so readily available.  until then i will take my time and pause to make sure that my speech is just as feminine as my actions. 

speech

my focus has been feminine speech. no cursing, no yelling, remember to always say please, thank you and to ask permission from my hoh. 

uhgg who knew that this would be so hard. its hard because i love word play, i've always loved it more with a few choice words to really express what i was truly feeling at the moment. it has been interesting to find a new way to express myself when i'm feeling anything but pleased.

and if that wasnt hard enough i also have to tackle not yelling when i have a seven year old who really likes to try me. for example instead of yelling one good time for her to put her socks on her feet for the second time i had to calmly ask her six additional times before the task was actually completed. (aww, children)

but even with the loss of those things something better has happened i'm beginning to become different, nicer, more approachable, more like the person i desire to be. 

this hasnt been easy i did slip up that brought about consequences that i never ever want to experience again. however i know that honestly i will suffer those consequences again because just like you i am human i mess up and fall no matter how hard i try to walk tall. it is all apart of learning. 

change?

currently i'm working on me, who i use to be and who i desire to become.

its hard to let go the past, of the person you use to be, it seems to be even harder to stop dragging that person around with you as a shield to get  you out of situations that only the old you knew how to deal with. 

more so it seems even harder to forgive yourself for old mistakes, and horrendous habits, you begin to wonder that if you cant forgive yourself, how could anyone else ever really try to forgive you. 

i had my daughter when i was young, or what i feel is to young (20). i love her to death but i wish that my blessing wouldve come to me a little later in life, my patience hadnt developed and i was stilled focused on many other things. how do i restart a mother daughter relationship with a 7yr, how do / can i become a different mother? no i havent forgiven myself yet, it was hard struggling to do it all by myself but now i have to change our relationship its time, and master is demanding it as well. 

is real change really possible? 

new adventures

so this weekend i started on a new journey, a new training journey for me and master with the help of a mentor. 

i hope that i learn and that i am able to offer my master better service. 

i will of course try to share my journey in chronological order. 

this i love

“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.” Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract

why do you write

Why do you write a journal? Do you find it is a positive thing for you, and if so, in what ways? Is it a public journal? Do you ever find yourself censoring your writings for whoever else might read them?

i started writing this blog because i had so many thoughts going on inside of my head. i needed a way to write it down get it out in order to sort it out. i am very new to the lifestyle and i read so many good things and so many good quotes that i wanted someplace that i could post it and reflect on it or respond to it. 

i find this very positive in that i get to write things out and be very honest with myself, even though this is a public post to some extent that people can stumble onto and read  who cares. i love that i can be honest, quirky, and silly about the things that are happening in my life. 

but to be very honest i really started this journal/blog thing because i don't see as many people like me writing or blogging. i'm an african american 27 year old female who just happens to be in a m/s relationship, and my master is an african american male. there are so many issues surrounding that, more than i could ever tackle, nor would i ever want to. so no i dont censor myself or what i write in this journal/blog. 

i in no way want to be a role model for anyone else who happens to be like me, if you happen to get anything from who i am and what i write that's great. besides having the opportunity to air things out i get show people that there are african americans out there who happen to be in the lifestyle and who are trying to make their way just like everyone else.

explain?

If you were to have to explain why M/s relationships are valid, healthy and functioning… how would you describe it and explain your logic to others if you “had” too.

if i had to explain why my relationship is valid, healthy and functioning, i would say it is because i never have to guess, i never have to wonder what he's thinking or what it is that he wants or needs from me.

if he is upset, i know it because i'm getting punished with a spanking, sent to bed, or sent to go sit in the corner to rethink things. i never ever have to wonder about his moods and it actually has allowed us to free up a lot more to time to be silly and run around. and as a result i never ever have to wonder if i am loved. because even with every punishment i know that what he is doing he is doing for me. 

i would tell them that we are more open and intimate because of our relationship there isn't anything that i wouldn't do for him. when he comes home to a clean house with food on the table, or when doesn't have to think about clean clothes he shows his appreciation. which in turn makes me want to wait on him hand and foot some more. 

who knew that when i put him first as my master that everything in our relationship would come together. he speaks of it as more of a cycle, he says that baby when you take care me it makes me love you more and want to take care of you more.

if i had to explain it i would say that there is no struggle in his home, there is no arguing, i may pout but there is no angry yelling or fighting in his home. there is only love and laughter.  

i would also say that he respects me and my dreams he could take advantage of me and the fact that i've given myself to him as his slave but he doesn't, instead he helps me to achieve the goals that i have set for myself and goals that we set together. 

i have never seen a vanilla relationship work like this or be like this. 

last night

last night i could've prevented everything that happened before it did because he has spoken to me about it more than once. 

to start with my phone was dead, which meant that when he tried to call me he couldn't reach me, not good. especially since in was inside the house and i could've charged my phone but i didn't. then to top if off i fell asleep on the couch. so when he came home carrying all two arms full of groceries and after knocking on the apartment door numerous times. 

so needless to say when he actually walked in the door with me laying on the couch he was not happy. i spent the rest of the night graveling which as much as i tried didn't make things any better. i got sent to bed with the seven year old for the night. 

i felt horrible for not doing the small and simple things that he asks of me. this isn't the first time that my phone has died, and this isn't the first time that he has requested that i be more mindful of my dying phone and charge when it looks like my phone will die. i didn't and now mattered how i tried last night there seemed to be no words or anything that i could do to make things right.  

so last night i went to bed with the seven year old, i slipped out of bed later on to go apologize and i spent the rest of the night on the floor sitting at his feet until he sent me back to bed. 

last night was not my best night, but i did learn and i will do better than what i have been doing. 

who are you

okay i was freaking out. 

i was freaking out because he asked me instead of told me. i wondered to myself what was going on i felt like we should no longer be in this place of sending me a message to ask me anything. well okay not anything it was the what this question was about that really just sent me through the roof over analyzing, wondering, guessing, if we would ever progress pass this point. 

i asked me about going to see his ex-girlfriend. i mean he's already fucked her multiple times while we were together i mean what was the point of him asking me that. it felt somewhat like we were moving backwards instead of moving forward. it also started me to thinking about things. 

for either one of not to have done this before, for us to be very new to this lifestyle i thought that we were progressing slowly in the direction that we both wanted. but with that question i felt like it wasn't, that we weren't and i was worried.

so later on that night i talked to him (smile) and as always he made me feel like i overreacting, and over thinking. he asked he said because he was looking for a way out of going to see her, but even with that i thought well i thought that he could've handled it differently and the fact that he did meant that this wasn't working for him, and we couldn't be us like this anymore. 

well that's what i thought yesterday and then today happened....

reflection

How did you meet the person you serve?

my first day back to school my sophomore year i remember seeing him across the lawn getting ready to get on the bus home. i ran up to him almost literally attacking the poor man, i hadn't realized until that moment how much i had missed him, and it wasn't until he was hugging me that i realized how much i liked him. 

5 years would go by before he would ever know that i had feelings for him. i will remember how pissed i was that he would ask out all the girls that i knew, and others that i didn't but he never approached me. i never said anything because i was and still am a traditionalist, i believe firmly that the man should approach a girl if he is interested never the other way around. well that was until i asked him to the senior prom, that was my one and only time asking a man for anything and it was a lesson learned because he said no.

it wasn't until college that we both exchanged our feelings for each other, but by then we were really good friends and i didn't want to fuck up a good thing. and then, well then i got pregnant by someone i later found out i didn't know all that well and i would later be disgusted by the mere thought of him but i love my child. he became her godfather. 

off and on for a while we went sadly destroying relationships and hurting others in the process, i knew i wanted him but i never pushed i wanted him to want to be with me and try to force him into something. its funny how things work out i never knew the side of him that i know now, i didn't think it was possible with him. 

i did know, this one thing and i tell him this all the time, i knew that once we were together that it would be forever. it use to scare the shit out of me, i wouldn't be able to breathe, my heart would beat really fast. even though i had these feelings i never thought he noticed me, i thought that he was an amazing guy and completely out of league. 

to be very honest i will admit (though i never told him this) that for two years i ran from him not out of fear of fucking up our friendship but i ran because i knew that he was it for me. i feel like i wasted so much time, we wasted so much time because oddly enough when i was ready i felt like i didn't deserve him, sometimes i still feel like he deserves better than who i am and what i'm offering him. i feel blessed to have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life serving him and correcting an old mistake. 

uhhgg, no our time apart wasn't a mistake our time apart helped to shape us into the people we are today and i wouldn't change that for anything, damn he's an amazing man. 

the ex factor

i cant help but to think about my past, (not that i mind) but his past is a constant in our lives. as master he always asks am i okay with it or is it freaking me out. i am happy that he has the opportunity to have a relationship with his ex's. for a while the relationship was not just an emotional one but a physical one as well. at first and for a while honestly i freaked out feeling like i wasn't enough or that he could never love me the way he loved her. i felt like i was in competition with her for something he said was already mine.

 

and then i realized how i sounded, i was speaking of him as if he were my own personal toy, instead of a person who had thoughts, feelings, and his own personal desires. i know that is exactly when i started researching poly relationships and how other people make them work, but more importantly how to deal with jealousy. after reading i started asking myself questions could i visualize them having sex in my minds eye, and how did that make me feel? could i visualize him holding her, kissing her, and how did that make me feel? or even them outside of the bedroom talking, laughing, and hanging out together. none of that together or each on its own really hurt, in all honesty i was very turned on by it. what hurt or i should say what i was most fearful of was him leaving me. i was scared that as a result of all of these things he would leave me.

 

After i sat down and discussed my fears with my master, he put them to rest, it felt amazing to be that honest with someone about what you feared and why and to have them listen and set those fears to rest. i cant but to think about my past because i remember the person that i use to be with people i couldn't be very honest and open with. i realize that even then when i didn't know the correct terms for what i was doing i was being submissive in my relationships but they always had limits where they (the men) were not allowed to go. there were parts of myself i always kept closed off to them. i am thankful for all of my past relationships because in some way they helped to prepare me for the one that i am in now.

 

there are times when i feel sad that there were no finalized endings but i know that the past has no place in my current life. he is my master and i am loved.

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cock

one of the most pleasing experiences for me in my relationship has been sucking master's cock. and not just sucking you as you may think ..i.e. to just get him off but sucking it oddly enough for my comfort and pleasure. 

when i was little i had this thing about sucking my finger and my blanket. my blanket and my finger went with me every where. it was the most soothing and comforting experience i've ever had. it was so comforting that i didn't stop until i was sadly 16 years old. i know, i know my face turns red every time i think about it. 

i told my master this story one day of my finger and my blanket and as embarrassed as i was he actually made me feel better about it. he kissed me on my head and asked for details about how i sucked my finger and then he told me to go suck his cock like i would have my finger. so sitting on my floor pillow i sucked his cock like i would have my finger and it was so soothing and comforting that i feel asleep right there with my head in his lap. 

it is one of the most pleasuring things for me to do. sometimes my mouth gets so sore from accommodating his cock but i gain so much pleasure from it. it is in those moments that i feel most secure, loved and precious to him. his hands in my hair, me on sitting on my floor pillow with his cock him mouth. what more could a girl possibly want?

submission

“Submission depends on the individual’s ability to align his will with that of the dominant and use his intelligence to fulfill her wishes gracefully and efficiently.” -Christina Abernathy, Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual

i read this quote and i thought and felt many things.with my pending graduation from college i'm not exactly sure where to go next. i'm lost on what i should, what i should be but more so how my choices will affect my service to my master i am not exactly sure how to align my will with his. i know what it is that he wants from me, and what it is he wants for us. 

to be honest though i'm still a little a lost, it should be enough that i know that he wants the bed made daily, the kitchen spotless after i have cooked, the floors cleaned, the recycling taken out, his clothes washed ironed and put away, everything to be put back in its place. but with all of that i still hunger for more, i still feel like there is more for me to provide, a better way to service him. 

i'm learning that he loves for me to suck his dick and after he cums he prefers that i suck on his in the way that a baby would a bottle because it helps him go to sleep faster. i'm learning that he loves to use my body more, waking me in the middle of the night so that he can fuck me and if i cum i'm lucky and if i don't oh well. 

thinking of all of this i'm realizing that i'm doing it again. i'm trying to top from the bottom. by not following his will, his way, i'm always pushing him for more by acting out or just plain forcing his hand i'm not allowing the head of this relationship to lead and that isnt what i want. 

i wonder if i am alone in this? i wonder if i am the only one in my over excitement to serve if i am the only tries to step ahead instead of aligning their will with their master's will.

do i

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?

do i like myself? i have no idea why i choose this journal prompt i guess because when i read the question i couldnt answer it. there are times when i dont like myself. i dont like who i am because of how lazy i am, or how i zone out at times, or how i dont follow through on things, or finish somethings, or how i dont, how i just dont. 

i feel like the more i read the more i learn about submission and apply it to my life the more excited i become about changing who i am. so i guess i can say i like who i am becoming but i dont like who i was. 

accepting who i am was easy before because who i was simple and uncomplicated. i didnt wear a collar 24/7, i didnt have a leash attached me as a slept pulling me as my master turned throughout the night, before i didnt have someone that i serviced 24/7 at his demand. now i'm complicated sometimes i wonder, i question, but i love my life, i love who i am becoming, i have found so much peace and pleasure in my service. 

a year in review

What has changed within your dynamic this past year? Is it a positive or negative change? How has it affected how you serve?

in the past all of my service to master was sexual. when to masturbate, how to masturbate. talking to master he said that our sexual relationship has grown and changed for the better and at first i didnt think so but now i realize how much it has. there are nights i suck master dick he cums in my mouth and that's it there is no other sexual interaction. i didnt realize how much sexual pleasure i gain just from pleasing him sexually, a year ago i wouldve laughed at even the idea of that. 

while i was away this summer it seems like our bond grew stronger and i felt more comfortable opening up to him and sharing my fears and my deeply hidden hopes. i was very honest with him about how much anger and hate i was carring around because of past relationships. we openly discussed our hopes for the family that we are building together and what are roles would be in the family. 

the hardest change for me has been masters quasi control over life. there has never been a time when i havent longed for it, desired it, or even begged for it but when i receive it, i become somewhat of a brat. it is so hard not to chime in with my own thought and challenge his guidance. 

i feel that it has been very positive the changes that have taken place in our dynamic. we now live together instead of seeing each other two or three times a week. this has changed the way i serve master because now i am responsible for cooking all of the meals, cleaning the house, washing and ironing all of master's clothing and master's relationship with my daughter has allowed us to develop a standard that will carry when we have other children. 

i look forward to the new year and the growth that it brings. 

happy new year

with the coming year, things change, i will hopefully attempt to post more and i will pull some questions from sensual services to answer as a way of blogging. happy new year.