living up to

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others, or attempting to live up to a mythical ideal?

i'm 27yrs old. in a couple of weeks i will be 28yrs old and i am always comparing myself to others, i am always looking at other women and saying, she is so much more "together" than i am, prettier than i am, more confident than i am. 

recently i was challenged to stop being so hard on myself and love me for who i am. lmao, if that just isn't the hardest thing ever to do for me. i still look in the mirror and see things that i would love to change about myself. 

even outside of the physical appearance i do also try to live up to the "ideal" of what i should be, a submissive woman who can cook, clean, and have everything together for her master. lmao, i hardly have everything together for myself. 

but i am working on loving me for who i am, i look in the mirror now and i say to myself that i love me for who i am right now. what more can i ask for?

sex and religion

as of lately i have found it hard to westle with the sex and religion thing. 

i have spent more years in catholic school then i care to share, and then i spent sundays in a baptist church. the other sunday the pastor asked a question at service, "are you living a life that if someone where following you 24/7 a week that there would be nothing there to question?"

i thought about that for a long time, i'm still thinking about it to be honest. i would be proud of the fact that my relationship was based on a submissive / dominate foundation. but if others were to examine my life would i, could i stand strong and be proud of everything that takes place in my home in my life. 

there are many things that i was taught was wrong growing up, i.e. birth control, masturbation, sex without the intent of procreation. these are just some of the things that i practice in my life, does that make my life any less? Am i lacking in morals because of these things? i pray that these things dont make it so.

living honestly

with all of the changes that i am making in my life as a result of the retraining, i have to admit its been stressful and scary. 

amongst everything i realized that i'm changing, my thoughts, my hopes/dreams. it is scary because i feel awkward outside of my home. i'm happy about the way that i live my life but i am handicapped because i am unable to live honestly. 

i have to be honest that there were times doing this process that i felt like this was wrong, because this isn't what normal people do. this morning as i was in my meditative corner i reflected back to last night and this morning and how loving my hoh is to me. how he cares for me and protects me. 

it wasn't until that moment that i decided to live honestly, my way. i can not turn away from this journey that i have begun, i cant imagine living my life any other way. 

but it has been difficult trying to figure out who this new me.

happy valentines day

lessons

What one lesson has helped you the most in life?

the one lesson that is currently helping me the most in my life is speech training. o, the joys of actually having to stop and think before you speak. 

the remarks that i've received about my changed person, my demeanor, and how nicer it is to be around have all been an additional pat on the back making me feel wonderful. however, i will not lie there are those times when i just want to let it fly with full force. 

having to stop and think before i open my big mouth has been a tremendous gift. it has allowed me to slow down and really put thought into what i say before i let words spill out of my mouth. 

old values

the more i progress on my journey the angrier i become. why? well first let me tell you a little about me. 

i'm an old spirit at heart, when i was in 8th grade Billie Holiday became my favorite artist of all time. i love to read and not the current teenager crap, i loved romance and stories about later periods, where men were men and women were expected to be women. 

what happened? and this is why i'm angry. what happened to teaching us about how to be ladies, the proper way to set a table, how to serve tea, how to sit and speak and act like a lady. why, are we not expected as women to raise our daughters to be ladies. we are expected to teach them to be strong, independent, and able to contend with the boys on every level. 

why? why do i have to each that in addition to how to sew, cook, and be charming. why wasnt i taught this? 

what happened to good old values? i'm angry and frustrated, but then maybe i'm expecting too much, maybe what i'm feeling no one else is. 

if that is true its okay, i am devoting myself to learning all the things that use to be taught to women and i will pass it on to my daughter, and hopefully she will pass it down to hers. hoping that one day women will experience a rebirth.

relearning

growing up i can honestly say that i knew nothing of submission. i was taught to be strong, very independent, self-sufficient and mostly to not to take crap off of anyone.

if anyone ever had the pleasure to meet my mother, either of my grandmothers, or my aunts and cousins, you would understand why i say this. 

it the mist of growing and learning i find it hard to "relearn" things. i had this conversation with my hoh the other day and it basically came down to the point of us "relearning" what we have been taught and what has been condition in us since birth. 

i am "relearning" to ask permission for things (as an adult-this still is mind blowing) i'm "relearning" how to sit, how to speak, dress, and think. i am "relearning" that just because i practice all of these things in my life doesnt diminish the fact that i'm still strong, but just in a different way. 

so as i stumble and "relearn" some of the basics i just ask that those around me please have patience. 

the gift of love

Do you and your owner celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you plan on doing this year? Do you bring elements of your dynamic into your celebration in the form of ritual, symbolism or play?

the loving man that i serve. i am good at many things, i am good at remembering to make sure that everyone has everything that they need in the morning. i am good at cooking, cleaning, and making sure that everything in the house is taken care of. i am good at writing. but i have to admit that i suck at remembering things, i have no idea the exact day that we started dating, if you asked how long i couldnt begin to tell you. 

i do remember last valentine's day to me it is like our anniversary ( i know super cheesy ) but i remember us going away for the weekend, the hotel, the dinner, and the endless shopping and lunch that followed the next day. this year we're planning on staying in town but we are planning on going out dinner. like last year there will be some dynamic of our lifestyle celebrated on valentines. 

last year after dinner, when we went back to the hotel the spanking that followed master unwrapping his valentines day gift (me of course) was something that will never be forgotten. as this year's valentines day approaches i look forward to celebrating another year of love in this dynamic.

selfless service

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” -Antigonus of Sokho

it is difficult to learn to readjust your mind set. learning to focus not on pleasing yourself but fulfilling the desires of the person you serve. with every selfless action i do i am given a blessings, from his reaction or the whispered words of love that he says to me.  i am learning to serve without thought of reward, this is a gift.

childish behavior

during a recent conversation i had with my master and an assignment i realized how i manipulate things in order to get the outcome that i want. 

childish things done in order to insure that this is what he wants, childish things done out of fear of him saying, "uhmm, this isnt what i want"

i brought this to him, not the other way around and there are times that i wonder, i question even though despite the one or two missed punishments everything about our lifestyle would remind anyone of a 1950s household. 

my childish behavior i realize that i need to not only apologize for it but it has to stop. i guess admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.