to be honest

as i was finishing up the last post i was reading on another site about the beauty of women i was also reading at the time about self esteem. as i was reading about the beauty of women it hit me, who i am in this moment has suffered from what i internally about women. i feel guilty and wrong for the feelings that the thoughts that i have.

i feel that women are beautiful, each in there own way. i feel that for me there is nothing more beautiful then touching a woman physically and developing an emotional connection as well. to hold a woman's hand to touch her breast to kiss her lips to share with her my secrets, those are the things that i long for, those are things that i desire. to lay in bed with her and feel her skin against mine i feel is one of those gifts that is truly a blessing from God.

if you knew me i know that this would come as a shock. i am one of the most stand offish people i know. i have never initiated any physical connection with either a man or a woman i always feel awkward and uncomfortable, but to be honest i always feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin.

maybe its because i am not being honest with myself and i fear these things that i feel or desire. i fear how people will see me the disgust that they will express towards me. its funny because i have never actually had these particular feelings for anyone besides my master but i think i figure if i continued to suppress these thoughts and feelings altogether until i am allowed to express then everything will be okay. but now i thinking there has to be a better way to handle it because this way is not working.

the juggling act

it's been very hard trying to juggle being mom, being submissive, being writer, and being a student. i'm still struggling how to combine them all. how to work in who we are as a couple but also working in the fact that there is a six year old in the house now where there just use to be us.

if that wasnt enough its very hard trying to become the submissive housewife. the submissive housewife who looks amazing and smells even better. the submissive housewife who cooks and clean and has everything together. i have never been one to have it all together, honestly i am an organizers dream girl cause my stuff is everywhere and in no particular order.

its not that i feel pressure from my master to achieve this i feel pressure from myself to achieve this goal, to make the vision of who i want to be come to light. trying to make it happen seems to be a challenge but i guess if i took it one step at a time things would actually start to move. so maybe that's what i will do is just take it one step at a time. they say if you do something for a a period of time it becomes a habit. so what thing would i like to work on first is ... my emotional self. meaning learning that not everything can be perfect and to love myself for who i am.

i am

at twenty seven i have always struggled with who i am, what it is that i stand for and what it is that i believe. now more than ever i feel that its important for me to write it down and start pulling things together. 

i am typically more quiet than i will ever be loud. i feel for everyone and everything, (my master's ex-girlfriend i feel the need to reach out and help her to feel better and to find closure but i'm not allowed). in order for me to really function at my best i need boundaries that are set in stone and consequences if i ever go outside of those boundaries. 

i believe that my master/hoh/daddy is the head of the house. i believe that despite my making my own money that he is in charge of all spending. i believe that what he says and the standards that he sets for his house and for me goes. i believe that he has say in everything that happens in my life what i wear, how i speak, how i behave, that goes back to boundaries i believe. 

i believe that men by nature are polygamous. i believe that for me that there is only one man and i have found him. my master/hoh/daddy does not need to ask my permission to date or to see another woman it is well within his right to not inform me at all. i may ask questions but once my daddy has said something is final i am not to disobey that. 

i see my future as one full of joy. i see myself having more children, i see us having a big house with lots of land maybe a horse ( big maybe) i see my future sister wife living not to far from my house and daddy living between his house with her and his with me. i see a family built on love, faith and devotion. 

this is who i am, and i love who i am and who i am growing into. 

finding my place and finding myself

last saturday was huge for me for us. it was the first time that i was in the same city as my master when he went on a date. every since i got back from new york city its been the three of us, me my daughter and him. last saturday morning i left his house and i returned to mine it was nice to get a message to ask me to return later on that night but i discovered as the week progressed that i felt very lost.

i was very happy that he found a woman that he liked and cared for but as they talked throughout the week on the phone and through texting i felt like, enough can i please get some time alone with just my master and i, no phone. it finally hit me that i needed some security time from him. i understood truly what the poly sites meant when they said that each couple needs to set aside time for themselves. i needed to bond with my master sexually, mentally, and emotionally. as happy as i was about the potential of her i needed to know and feel that we were/are on solid ground.

that inspired me to ask for the following one night a week with no television, computers, or telephones just me and him. this also made me think about picking up a hobby or focusing on something in my life so i'm not always wondering or thinking when he's out on a date with her or someone else. saturday night was an amazing learning experience i learned that i have to really check in with me and then i need to vocally express those things to my master.

a lady, a slave, and a slut

in my quest to be all that i can be i try to read as much as possible on how to be a better lady so when we are out in public or having dinner with masters friends that my manners are perfect because they are a reflection of him. i will be honest and say that posture is something that i am constantly working on i'm use to just slouching down in my chair so setting up in my chair and walking tall have been among one of my many challenges.

a slave ... i use to think that in order for a successful master and slave relationship to occur that i had to know everything. how to serve, how to kneel, and the many different poses but i have learned that every relationship has its own definition of how a master and slave relationship will work and that in order for me to have a successful master and slave relationship i have to allow my master to lead me instead of trying to lead him.

the slut to me was the easiest for me to get because i understand to be the women who is always open to what her master wants. she never says no, instead she opens her to body to her master and allows him to use her as he sees fit. i never ever say no to my master because i honestly know that my body is no longer mine it is his, and the care that he takes with me when he is using me i know that when i became his it was one of my best decisions ever. as i struggle with trying to balance all three of these as time goes on i hope that i improve the things that i struggling with.

its been awhile

it truly has been a while since i have last posted anything. i've been a little busy writing and going to school but on the advice of my HOH i decided to take time and post. it seems like so much has changed i am the typical mom and girlfriend. i cook dinner, i clean the house, wash the clothes, iron the clothes, pack lunches, and take my daughter to soccer and girl scouts. everything is typically normal except i wear a collar around my neck 365 days a year, and sometimes i put on my collar and i'm tied to the bed post yup that is my ideal of what's normal.

outside of what i think is normal i've been really trying hard to work on things like how i dress, how i look, speak and walk as a woman. now that i am learning and my idea of what a woman is and what she should do has changed so much then what i thought before. it has really opened my eyes to the fact that women aren't really taught to be women. no one taught me how to dress as a woman and how when you put on the ruffles and silks you act more like a lady, you speak differently, you walk differently, the way you regard yourself and hope to be treated is different. i have currently been working on that a lot i see myself as a representation of my master and i want to be the best possible for him which has helped to better me.

i have also been doing a lot of work trying to over come my jealousy as far as the other women in our lives. thanks to a lot of great poly sites that post information and exercises that help you to really look at jealousy in addition to talking to my master i can honestly say i am a lot better. i feared at first that with the new women i would lose my place in his heart that he would love me less that he wouldn't want me anymore but i know now that, that was my own insecurities and something that wasn't true. i feel blessed that i have him and even though he doesn't have an additional person i look forwarded to that blessing. i would also like to respectfully thank AKM for linking to my blog which inspired me to post again.