cock

one of the most pleasing experiences for me in my relationship has been sucking master's cock. and not just sucking you as you may think ..i.e. to just get him off but sucking it oddly enough for my comfort and pleasure. 

when i was little i had this thing about sucking my finger and my blanket. my blanket and my finger went with me every where. it was the most soothing and comforting experience i've ever had. it was so comforting that i didn't stop until i was sadly 16 years old. i know, i know my face turns red every time i think about it. 

i told my master this story one day of my finger and my blanket and as embarrassed as i was he actually made me feel better about it. he kissed me on my head and asked for details about how i sucked my finger and then he told me to go suck his cock like i would have my finger. so sitting on my floor pillow i sucked his cock like i would have my finger and it was so soothing and comforting that i feel asleep right there with my head in his lap. 

it is one of the most pleasuring things for me to do. sometimes my mouth gets so sore from accommodating his cock but i gain so much pleasure from it. it is in those moments that i feel most secure, loved and precious to him. his hands in my hair, me on sitting on my floor pillow with his cock him mouth. what more could a girl possibly want?

submission

“Submission depends on the individual’s ability to align his will with that of the dominant and use his intelligence to fulfill her wishes gracefully and efficiently.” -Christina Abernathy, Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual

i read this quote and i thought and felt many things.with my pending graduation from college i'm not exactly sure where to go next. i'm lost on what i should, what i should be but more so how my choices will affect my service to my master i am not exactly sure how to align my will with his. i know what it is that he wants from me, and what it is he wants for us. 

to be honest though i'm still a little a lost, it should be enough that i know that he wants the bed made daily, the kitchen spotless after i have cooked, the floors cleaned, the recycling taken out, his clothes washed ironed and put away, everything to be put back in its place. but with all of that i still hunger for more, i still feel like there is more for me to provide, a better way to service him. 

i'm learning that he loves for me to suck his dick and after he cums he prefers that i suck on his in the way that a baby would a bottle because it helps him go to sleep faster. i'm learning that he loves to use my body more, waking me in the middle of the night so that he can fuck me and if i cum i'm lucky and if i don't oh well. 

thinking of all of this i'm realizing that i'm doing it again. i'm trying to top from the bottom. by not following his will, his way, i'm always pushing him for more by acting out or just plain forcing his hand i'm not allowing the head of this relationship to lead and that isnt what i want. 

i wonder if i am alone in this? i wonder if i am the only one in my over excitement to serve if i am the only tries to step ahead instead of aligning their will with their master's will.

do i

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?

do i like myself? i have no idea why i choose this journal prompt i guess because when i read the question i couldnt answer it. there are times when i dont like myself. i dont like who i am because of how lazy i am, or how i zone out at times, or how i dont follow through on things, or finish somethings, or how i dont, how i just dont. 

i feel like the more i read the more i learn about submission and apply it to my life the more excited i become about changing who i am. so i guess i can say i like who i am becoming but i dont like who i was. 

accepting who i am was easy before because who i was simple and uncomplicated. i didnt wear a collar 24/7, i didnt have a leash attached me as a slept pulling me as my master turned throughout the night, before i didnt have someone that i serviced 24/7 at his demand. now i'm complicated sometimes i wonder, i question, but i love my life, i love who i am becoming, i have found so much peace and pleasure in my service. 

a year in review

What has changed within your dynamic this past year? Is it a positive or negative change? How has it affected how you serve?

in the past all of my service to master was sexual. when to masturbate, how to masturbate. talking to master he said that our sexual relationship has grown and changed for the better and at first i didnt think so but now i realize how much it has. there are nights i suck master dick he cums in my mouth and that's it there is no other sexual interaction. i didnt realize how much sexual pleasure i gain just from pleasing him sexually, a year ago i wouldve laughed at even the idea of that. 

while i was away this summer it seems like our bond grew stronger and i felt more comfortable opening up to him and sharing my fears and my deeply hidden hopes. i was very honest with him about how much anger and hate i was carring around because of past relationships. we openly discussed our hopes for the family that we are building together and what are roles would be in the family. 

the hardest change for me has been masters quasi control over life. there has never been a time when i havent longed for it, desired it, or even begged for it but when i receive it, i become somewhat of a brat. it is so hard not to chime in with my own thought and challenge his guidance. 

i feel that it has been very positive the changes that have taken place in our dynamic. we now live together instead of seeing each other two or three times a week. this has changed the way i serve master because now i am responsible for cooking all of the meals, cleaning the house, washing and ironing all of master's clothing and master's relationship with my daughter has allowed us to develop a standard that will carry when we have other children. 

i look forward to the new year and the growth that it brings. 

happy new year

with the coming year, things change, i will hopefully attempt to post more and i will pull some questions from sensual services to answer as a way of blogging. happy new year.