its been awhile

Its been awhile since I have posted and I'm sorry about that, I kind of suck, but I've been in a really crappy mood.

Well its not so much that I've been in a crappy mood its just that things arent the same anymore in my house and I hate it. There is always so much tension, upset and hurt feelings.

It feels like my whole life is a seesaw, up one second and down the next. Hopefully soon things will get better until then.

changing the way i think

i always assumed that submission was more of a physical thing. spankings, kneeling and well the amazing subbie sex that takes place. i am currently being challenged to understand that submission is emotional and mental.

emotionally i have to trust and surrender myself fully and mentally,(this is the real challenge) mentally i have to learn how to change the way that i think. thus far it hasn't really been an easy process honestly has been a little painful.

i do honestly love how submission continues to change and shape me, leading me on a journey that is and continues to be totally unexpected. however, i do still have the tendency to want to yell at the customer service guy who isn't really listening to my request and having to repeat it a third time, uhhhggg just gets on my nerves.

and there is the constant struggle with my mother and my attempt to remind her that i am no longer her "little" girl that i'm all grown up, (smiles) the irony to this is that on a whole different level i'm trying to find and tap into my inner "little" girl.

growth is a painful process hopefully as it continues on it will become less painful and little bit easier.

sucking dick

this past weekend and week, we've had the pleasure of getting back into "practice" with somethings.

my favorite thing of all that we had the chance to practice is when i kneel in front of him and suck is dick while he is watching television. yesterday we had this discussion about how it is the reverse from of nursing.

at first when i kneel down i spend my time sucking his dick in order to make him cum and afterwards when he cums and he feeds me his seed, i continue to suck and it soothes me and sometimes i nod off to sleep.

this is one of my favorite things to do because in those moments i feel so cherised and trurly submissive.

if only i could discover things that bring me this same feeling without having to have is dick in my mouth.

how do you know you've fully surrendered

i looked up the definitions for three words submit, surrender, and meek for me these three words are equally important to me across the board for it seems that without neither would really work.

submit; to give over or yield to the power or authority of another, to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision

meek; humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others, tame

surrender; to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, to yield or resign in favor of another.

as i considered these three words and my life in addition to my current reading Fear & Trembling i realized that i have never honestly surrender and submitted to anything outside of the sexual arena. what i am learning is that once you surrender and you submit yourself to another you have faith, Abraham and Issac type faith the person that you have surrendered to will pull through. and as a result of that surrendering and submitting the person becomes meek.

i asked myself this weekend if i could surrender and submit all areas of my life? submit emotionally, physically, intellectually, and sexually. i have never had a problem submitting sexually but could i do it in completely?

i have read so many post where women say surrender and submission is a part of the nature, it is who they were meant to be, that once they surrender and submit fully they can't see themselves going to back to living any other way.

how do i know when i've fully surrendered and submitted? i know when i have sexually and the feelings that i experience, i do have to agree i wouldn't want to go back to never experiencing that. but what about everything else? physically, mentally, emotionally? i wonder exactly how does that work, how can you honestly experience in today's world fully?

hopefully with guidance i will move in the direction of figuring out exactly how to do this?

where do we go from here ...

so things have been super crazy in my world. i got sick, painfully sick and then i just had an altogether difficult time adjusting to everything. i'm not working, i am now at home taking care of the house until school started this week. Thank God for higher education!!!

it has been difficult adjusting to the limitations on spending, living with someone and learning their quirks and other things. hoh and submission part of our relationship stopped, mostly do to my hoh feeling like i just wasnt listening to anything that he said.

honestly that is the truth, i was angry, upset, and physically sick and in pain. i honestly didnt handle things well, i with drew and i with held. things have gotten better, we are a somewhat clearer place but things are a lot different. what really hurts the most is that he feels that he has to hold back now, the things that really use to get him off, the things that he loved to do he feels that he can no longer do. i dont want any to feel like they have to settle, especially not him.

to be honest i am very unclear about what the next step is but there is one thing that i am 100% sure of, i refuse to put this all on my shoulders, i cant push any more or try to get someone to see something my way, if he is going to be that hoh that he wants to be i realize that he is going to have to come to that all by his self, the only thing that i can do until then is support him in all things.