it been so hard

it has been so hard to post i'm moving and that has just been a lot going on all at once. i also just plain ole havent felt like it so hopefully soon the writing bug will hit me again when this mess is all over and i will be back to writing. 

living up to

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others, or attempting to live up to a mythical ideal?

i'm 27yrs old. in a couple of weeks i will be 28yrs old and i am always comparing myself to others, i am always looking at other women and saying, she is so much more "together" than i am, prettier than i am, more confident than i am. 

recently i was challenged to stop being so hard on myself and love me for who i am. lmao, if that just isn't the hardest thing ever to do for me. i still look in the mirror and see things that i would love to change about myself. 

even outside of the physical appearance i do also try to live up to the "ideal" of what i should be, a submissive woman who can cook, clean, and have everything together for her master. lmao, i hardly have everything together for myself. 

but i am working on loving me for who i am, i look in the mirror now and i say to myself that i love me for who i am right now. what more can i ask for?

sex and religion

as of lately i have found it hard to westle with the sex and religion thing. 

i have spent more years in catholic school then i care to share, and then i spent sundays in a baptist church. the other sunday the pastor asked a question at service, "are you living a life that if someone where following you 24/7 a week that there would be nothing there to question?"

i thought about that for a long time, i'm still thinking about it to be honest. i would be proud of the fact that my relationship was based on a submissive / dominate foundation. but if others were to examine my life would i, could i stand strong and be proud of everything that takes place in my home in my life. 

there are many things that i was taught was wrong growing up, i.e. birth control, masturbation, sex without the intent of procreation. these are just some of the things that i practice in my life, does that make my life any less? Am i lacking in morals because of these things? i pray that these things dont make it so.

living honestly

with all of the changes that i am making in my life as a result of the retraining, i have to admit its been stressful and scary. 

amongst everything i realized that i'm changing, my thoughts, my hopes/dreams. it is scary because i feel awkward outside of my home. i'm happy about the way that i live my life but i am handicapped because i am unable to live honestly. 

i have to be honest that there were times doing this process that i felt like this was wrong, because this isn't what normal people do. this morning as i was in my meditative corner i reflected back to last night and this morning and how loving my hoh is to me. how he cares for me and protects me. 

it wasn't until that moment that i decided to live honestly, my way. i can not turn away from this journey that i have begun, i cant imagine living my life any other way. 

but it has been difficult trying to figure out who this new me.

happy valentines day