last night

last night i could've prevented everything that happened before it did because he has spoken to me about it more than once. 

to start with my phone was dead, which meant that when he tried to call me he couldn't reach me, not good. especially since in was inside the house and i could've charged my phone but i didn't. then to top if off i fell asleep on the couch. so when he came home carrying all two arms full of groceries and after knocking on the apartment door numerous times. 

so needless to say when he actually walked in the door with me laying on the couch he was not happy. i spent the rest of the night graveling which as much as i tried didn't make things any better. i got sent to bed with the seven year old for the night. 

i felt horrible for not doing the small and simple things that he asks of me. this isn't the first time that my phone has died, and this isn't the first time that he has requested that i be more mindful of my dying phone and charge when it looks like my phone will die. i didn't and now mattered how i tried last night there seemed to be no words or anything that i could do to make things right.  

so last night i went to bed with the seven year old, i slipped out of bed later on to go apologize and i spent the rest of the night on the floor sitting at his feet until he sent me back to bed. 

last night was not my best night, but i did learn and i will do better than what i have been doing. 

who are you

okay i was freaking out. 

i was freaking out because he asked me instead of told me. i wondered to myself what was going on i felt like we should no longer be in this place of sending me a message to ask me anything. well okay not anything it was the what this question was about that really just sent me through the roof over analyzing, wondering, guessing, if we would ever progress pass this point. 

i asked me about going to see his ex-girlfriend. i mean he's already fucked her multiple times while we were together i mean what was the point of him asking me that. it felt somewhat like we were moving backwards instead of moving forward. it also started me to thinking about things. 

for either one of not to have done this before, for us to be very new to this lifestyle i thought that we were progressing slowly in the direction that we both wanted. but with that question i felt like it wasn't, that we weren't and i was worried.

so later on that night i talked to him (smile) and as always he made me feel like i overreacting, and over thinking. he asked he said because he was looking for a way out of going to see her, but even with that i thought well i thought that he could've handled it differently and the fact that he did meant that this wasn't working for him, and we couldn't be us like this anymore. 

well that's what i thought yesterday and then today happened....

reflection

How did you meet the person you serve?

my first day back to school my sophomore year i remember seeing him across the lawn getting ready to get on the bus home. i ran up to him almost literally attacking the poor man, i hadn't realized until that moment how much i had missed him, and it wasn't until he was hugging me that i realized how much i liked him. 

5 years would go by before he would ever know that i had feelings for him. i will remember how pissed i was that he would ask out all the girls that i knew, and others that i didn't but he never approached me. i never said anything because i was and still am a traditionalist, i believe firmly that the man should approach a girl if he is interested never the other way around. well that was until i asked him to the senior prom, that was my one and only time asking a man for anything and it was a lesson learned because he said no.

it wasn't until college that we both exchanged our feelings for each other, but by then we were really good friends and i didn't want to fuck up a good thing. and then, well then i got pregnant by someone i later found out i didn't know all that well and i would later be disgusted by the mere thought of him but i love my child. he became her godfather. 

off and on for a while we went sadly destroying relationships and hurting others in the process, i knew i wanted him but i never pushed i wanted him to want to be with me and try to force him into something. its funny how things work out i never knew the side of him that i know now, i didn't think it was possible with him. 

i did know, this one thing and i tell him this all the time, i knew that once we were together that it would be forever. it use to scare the shit out of me, i wouldn't be able to breathe, my heart would beat really fast. even though i had these feelings i never thought he noticed me, i thought that he was an amazing guy and completely out of league. 

to be very honest i will admit (though i never told him this) that for two years i ran from him not out of fear of fucking up our friendship but i ran because i knew that he was it for me. i feel like i wasted so much time, we wasted so much time because oddly enough when i was ready i felt like i didn't deserve him, sometimes i still feel like he deserves better than who i am and what i'm offering him. i feel blessed to have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life serving him and correcting an old mistake. 

uhhgg, no our time apart wasn't a mistake our time apart helped to shape us into the people we are today and i wouldn't change that for anything, damn he's an amazing man. 

the ex factor

i cant help but to think about my past, (not that i mind) but his past is a constant in our lives. as master he always asks am i okay with it or is it freaking me out. i am happy that he has the opportunity to have a relationship with his ex's. for a while the relationship was not just an emotional one but a physical one as well. at first and for a while honestly i freaked out feeling like i wasn't enough or that he could never love me the way he loved her. i felt like i was in competition with her for something he said was already mine.

 

and then i realized how i sounded, i was speaking of him as if he were my own personal toy, instead of a person who had thoughts, feelings, and his own personal desires. i know that is exactly when i started researching poly relationships and how other people make them work, but more importantly how to deal with jealousy. after reading i started asking myself questions could i visualize them having sex in my minds eye, and how did that make me feel? could i visualize him holding her, kissing her, and how did that make me feel? or even them outside of the bedroom talking, laughing, and hanging out together. none of that together or each on its own really hurt, in all honesty i was very turned on by it. what hurt or i should say what i was most fearful of was him leaving me. i was scared that as a result of all of these things he would leave me.

 

After i sat down and discussed my fears with my master, he put them to rest, it felt amazing to be that honest with someone about what you feared and why and to have them listen and set those fears to rest. i cant but to think about my past because i remember the person that i use to be with people i couldn't be very honest and open with. i realize that even then when i didn't know the correct terms for what i was doing i was being submissive in my relationships but they always had limits where they (the men) were not allowed to go. there were parts of myself i always kept closed off to them. i am thankful for all of my past relationships because in some way they helped to prepare me for the one that i am in now.

 

there are times when i feel sad that there were no finalized endings but i know that the past has no place in my current life. he is my master and i am loved.

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cock

one of the most pleasing experiences for me in my relationship has been sucking master's cock. and not just sucking you as you may think ..i.e. to just get him off but sucking it oddly enough for my comfort and pleasure. 

when i was little i had this thing about sucking my finger and my blanket. my blanket and my finger went with me every where. it was the most soothing and comforting experience i've ever had. it was so comforting that i didn't stop until i was sadly 16 years old. i know, i know my face turns red every time i think about it. 

i told my master this story one day of my finger and my blanket and as embarrassed as i was he actually made me feel better about it. he kissed me on my head and asked for details about how i sucked my finger and then he told me to go suck his cock like i would have my finger. so sitting on my floor pillow i sucked his cock like i would have my finger and it was so soothing and comforting that i feel asleep right there with my head in his lap. 

it is one of the most pleasuring things for me to do. sometimes my mouth gets so sore from accommodating his cock but i gain so much pleasure from it. it is in those moments that i feel most secure, loved and precious to him. his hands in my hair, me on sitting on my floor pillow with his cock him mouth. what more could a girl possibly want?